A Flawless Guide To Failure.
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Hello to all my failing apprentices! Coming at you are more ways to flawlessly fail! If you find yourself apart of Congress and you are making decisions that help the progress and health of this country, you are not failing properly. What you should do in this scenario is take a food that has about as much nutritious value as a bucket of old grease. You must also make sure that the food you are choosing has no vegetable properties what so ever. From here you must declare that food a vegetable for schools across the nation. I mean we all know that there is not an obesity problem in this country, so why the hell not? We also know that diabetes is not becoming more and more common because as the generations move along we stuff our faces with more sugar and grease then those previous to us. So take that greasy ass school pizza and label it a vegetable! That’s failure in it’s most pure and flawless form! Good to know that Congress is looking out for us and our youth.
If you are a local police officer who has decided to stand alongside the Occupy movement because you have realized that you are not apart of the one percent and you are referred to as useless scum, by the FBI and other higher profile law enforcement, then you are failing at failing. To succeed at failing in this situation you must get dressed in full riot gear when it is completely unnecessary. The next best thing to do is to threaten the people who are doing nothing but standing or sitting. To get extra points at failing you should give the protesters no time to clear out and start pepper spraying them directly in the eyes. After these innocent people have been pepper sprayed, and are crying, you should start beating them with your nightstick. Again you should make sure that these people are doing nothing violent, and are unarmed. Finally, for more extra credit, look for any women who appear to be pregnant and beat them relentlessly. Now you are supporting those who don’t support you, and you are beating those who are trying to protect you. That’s the flawless way to fail! Till next time, keep failing!
Protesting is taking place all over the globe in multiple different movements. If you find yourself apart of a movement that is being recognized, making change, and is managing to do so while staying within the law, you are not failing properly. To begin failing properly in this situation, there are a few different tactics that can be used. If you are protesting in a city that does not allow homeless camping within city limits, you should go grab as many local homeless people as possible and allow them to camp with your movement. Also you should not forget the power in a good drug dealer. If you get as many drug dealers as possible to deal drugs in your movement then you will be well on your way to failing properly. If this is not enough I suggest that you and your movement get as drunk as possible all the time. Make sure that a good majority of your movement are people you don’t know and don’t trust so a good amount of theft can occur. Last but certainly not least, I advise you to find a park for your movement to stay at that is already inhabited by homeless people and has a reputation of being shady and unsanitary. Hopefully with this small handful of tools you can give your movement the amount of flawless failure that it needs!
Election year is just around the corner! If you are not voting this next election because you have realized that both parties are the same, and that the president can’t actually change anything because he or she is nothing more then a puppet, then I hate to tell you that you are not failing properly. Now the proper way to fail in this situation is to decide whether your a bloated elephant or a jackass. From here you must have a blind and false sense of overwhelming hope for whoever you are voting for. Along with that you must slander and degrade anyone who is apart of the opposing party. If the person you are voting for loses then you are required to bitch relentlessly like things would be way different if your candidate had won. If your candidate does win, then you must defend him or her till the next election even after you have realized that your candidate has an equal value to stagnant air. Keep failing and keep it flawless!
It’s officially the Holiday Season and if you are not spending all of your money on useless products that you, your family, and your friends don’t need then you are not failing! To fail properly you must start by supporting corporations that do nothing for our economy and own most of our country. If you are a true American you must need to be an example of our government. Our government is failing perfectly and to pay tribute to our government you should do the same. Don’t think about how ridiculously expensive everything is. Don’t think about the fact that capitalism is just another word for theft. Don’t even think about the fact that you don’t really have money to get the ridiculously unnecessary things that you think you, or someone else needs. Put those items on layaway and keep failing flawlessly!
About A Flawless Guide To Failure.
