A Flawless Guide To Failure.

I’m stepping on some toes today because that is what a true failure does! Religion might be controversial, but flawless failure is not! If you are a person who is open minded to all beliefs and doesn’t preach your beliefs on any soul who passes by, then you are not failing! If you are not apart of any organized religion because you don’t like the division amongst the people of the world, then again you are not failing! You need to remember that your god is the best god, no matter how similar he is to other god’s. Don’t forget that anyone who does not believe in your god is no better then the dirty gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe. Remind anyone who doesn’t follow the same religion as you, that they will forever burn in hell! If you find yourself in a situation where a large group of people don’t follow your religion, then start a war! That’s what god would do. Most of all remember that Jesus died for your sins so you don’t have to take any responsibility for yourself or your terrible actions. Responsibility is the first step to success which must be avoided at all costs. In the name of god and in the name J-christ, keep failing!

Isn’t it a lovely day for failure? The answer is yes! If you are somebody who is unique, does not fit any particular label, and wears what is comfortable for you, then you need some flawless failure tips! The first and best way to ensure failure is by spending way too much money for blank colored clothing that is as thin as your grandmother’s skin. So your main clothing option is American Apparel. Second you need to do the kick test. Try to kick and get your leg above your head. If you can do this without much effort, then your pants are too baggy and you need a tighter pair. You don’t need to worry about running because your a hipster now, and hipsters are too cool to run. Now that your thighs can’t breathe we come to the third way to ensure failure, choosing the jacket. Your choices for a jacket boils down to two options, the pea coat or some jacket that looks too small and fits too tight. Now you need glasses. Even if your eyesight is fine, your a hipster now so you need a retro looking pair of glasses that probably has no prescription lens whatsoever. Finally, if your not letting your swoopy or long hair blow in the wind you need a good hipster hat. I suggest you go with the patty hat, a fedora, or a really large beanie that rests on your head. There you go, now you are looking like everyone else! Individuality is frightening so the more you look like everyone, the more your failing! Keep it up!

Another brick has appeared for our flawless fortress of failure! If you find yourself not driving a toyota prius because you have realized obvious things such as: they are expensive, they are ugly, they don’t help the environment because you are still driving, and you don’t enjoy being trust fund hippie, then you are not failing! The prius gives us a plethora of ways to fail. With a prius you are granted access to gloat as much as you want about how much you do for the environment. You can get rid of all your old smelly friends and find other prius owners to befriend. What you drive totally shows who you actually are! Another great thing about being a prius owner is that you can be on a regular diet of fine cheeses and wines that are older then anything around you. You can enjoy a life of luxury, laughing with your prius owning friends about the stupidity of others. Ahh the life of flawless failing.

Failure is flashing at you! If you are a person who finds yourself completely happy with your natural beauty and confidence level, then you need to take some advice on how to fail! To fail flawlessly you must think you are fugly (fucking ugly) and have a terrible self image of yourself for no reason. Stare in the mirror a good five to six hours a day thinking about all of the things you want to change about yourself. I mean who wants to focus on positive things anyway? From here you should tell all of your friends that you want plastic surgery and you should ignore them when they tell you that they think you look great. Friends always lie and always will. Any money you have that was saved for something important like college, a wedding, or a once in a lifetime vacation, should now be blown on your operation. Whatever you do, don’t think small scale. You might as well get that face lifted like tightened saran wrap and get that tummy tucked. While your in there get those breasts inflated to the size of your head, and throw those nipples on the top right under your chin. Oh yeah, that’s hot. You will feel much better when all of your individuality has been stripped from your body leaving you looking like a barbie. Maybe now you will find your Ken and drive into the distance off a cliff. Keep that flawless failing in motion!

Good morning to all of my failing failures! Today’s flawless way to fail is a special kind of failure. If you are someone who drinks water from tap because you know it is no different from bottled water and the notion of paying to drink bottled water is ridiculous, then you need to learn how to fail! What you need to do in this situation is take note of all the different bottled water brands and convince yourself that one is better then the rest. You need to be sure that you are paying more money then is necessary. So basically, if you are paying anything for water then you are paying more then is necessary. You want to collect as many plastic bottles as you can so when recycling day comes along you can show those dumpy garbage men how much glorious bottled water you drink. If a bottled water company wants to move in to your state, you should welcome them with open arms and kick back so you can get a front row view of your states natural resources being raped. It’s truly a great show! Now that you are supporting the death of your land, corporate privatization, and the payment for something as needed as air, you are failing hard and failing flawlessly!

Hello to all my failing apprentices! Coming at you are more ways to flawlessly fail! If you find yourself apart of Congress and you are making decisions that help the progress and health of this country, you are not failing properly. What you should do in this scenario is take a food that has about as much nutritious value as a bucket of old grease. You must also make sure that the food you are choosing has no vegetable properties what so ever. From here you must declare that food a vegetable for schools across the nation. I mean we all know that there is not an obesity problem in this country, so why the hell not? We also know that diabetes is not becoming more and more common because as the generations move along we stuff our faces with more sugar and grease then those previous to us. So take that greasy ass school pizza and label it a vegetable! That’s failure in it’s most pure and flawless form! Good to know that Congress is looking out for us and our youth.

Protesting is taking place all over the globe in multiple different movements. If you find yourself apart of a movement that is being recognized, making change, and is managing to do so while staying within the law, you are not failing properly. To begin failing properly in this situation, there are a few different tactics that can be used. If you are protesting in a city that does not allow homeless camping within city limits, you should go grab as many local homeless people as possible and allow them to camp with your movement. Also you should not forget the power in a good drug dealer. If you get as many drug dealers as possible to deal drugs in your movement then you will be well on your way to failing properly. If this is not enough I suggest that you and your movement get as drunk as possible all the time. Make sure that a good majority of your movement are people you don’t know and don’t trust so a good amount of theft can occur. Last but certainly not least, I advise you to find a park for your movement to stay at that is already inhabited by homeless people and has a reputation of being shady and unsanitary. Hopefully with this small handful of tools you can give your movement the amount of flawless failure that it needs!

Election year is just around the corner! If you are not voting this next election because you have realized that both parties are the same, and that the president can’t actually change anything because he or she is nothing more then a puppet, then I hate to tell you that you are not failing properly. Now the proper way to fail in this situation is to decide whether your a bloated elephant or a jackass. From here you must have a blind and false sense of overwhelming hope for whoever you are voting for. Along with that you must slander and degrade anyone who is apart of the opposing party. If the person you are voting for loses then you are required to bitch relentlessly like things would be way different if your candidate had won. If your candidate does win, then you must defend him or her till the next election even after you have realized that your candidate has an equal value to stagnant air. Keep failing and keep it flawless!

It’s officially the Holiday Season and if you are not spending all of your money on useless products that you, your family, and your friends don’t need then you are not failing! To fail properly you must start by supporting corporations that do nothing for our economy and own most of our country. If you are a true American you must need to be an example of our government. Our government is failing perfectly and to pay tribute to our government you should do the same. Don’t think about how ridiculously expensive everything is. Don’t think about the fact that capitalism is just another word for theft. Don’t even think about the fact that you don’t really have money to get the ridiculously unnecessary things that you think you, or someone else needs. Put those items on layaway and keep failing flawlessly!